Well, here it is...I had almost managed to escape it.  I've been so busy that I've watched very little television, and I don't shop much, so the onslaught of the most commercialized holiday other than Christmas had nearly slipped by. 

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not opposed to Valentine's Day.  I'm not among those who wear black and boycott the holiday.  Quite the opposite.  I'm one of those annoying people who dress in red all week, wear Valentine's socks, paint cute little hearts on my nails and hand out goodies to all my friends!  Though I don't have a "sweetheart," I have lots of family and friends to whom I want to express my love (though I try to do that all year round, not just February 14th!).

So, why is it that sometimes I find myself just wanting this holiday to be over?  Am I just one of those bitter single people I always get annoyed with?  Or, is there something else going on in this heart of mine?  I know that God is more than enough for me and that Jesus is the Lover of my soul and my true Bridegroom and that falling in love with Him is the most important thing. 

So, why do I still get this gnawing feeling in my heart when it comes to Valentine's Day?

When I dig deep inside, I have realized that, amid all the little Valentine's notes to my friends, the chocolate candy I buy myself, and the flowers I get from my dad, there is a longing in my heart that has yet to be fulfilled.  You see, it's on this day that I become like a little girl again -- the one who dreamed of being a princess swept off her feet by her knight in shining armor, her prince charming (I know, it's mushy and cheesy. But, there's something about being pursued that makes a woman feel like....well....a woman!)

My overactive imagination always gets carried away at this time of year, because I am the epitomy of the sappy, hopeless romantic who still believes that chivalry is not dead and that true love is not a thing of the past!!

Perhaps Valentine's Day is difficult because I have to face the desire that burns within me to be a wife, to have a partner in life, and to be united with a man in the covenant of marriage that God has so beautifully created and blessed.  It is not that this desire just appears around February and then goes away, but I have noticed that at other times of the year, it is easier to suppress.  I can get away from it through staying busy in work, church activities, and other friendships.  But when this time of year comes, it's impossible to go a day and not be reminded that God has not provided my lifelong mate yet. 

This is actually the first time I've ever realized this, because for years I beat myself up for having this fairy tale dream.  Whenever those thoughts would come up, I would just put them aside and focus on other things.  After all, God is all I need, and nothing else can bring fulfillment in my life.

I actually got to the point where I felt guilty for desiring a mate, because I saw that as a sign that my relationship with God must not have been strong enough.  I viewed my desire for a mate as evidence that I was not content in the Lord.  Even in the few relationships I've had, I've always been worried that developing feelings for someone would take away from my relationship with the Lord.  And I have found that many singles groups hammer into your head that "God is enough!  God is enough!  God is enough!"

Yes, this is true, but that does not mean that people should feel guilty for having the desire to be in a marriage relationship!

Genesis 2:18 states, "And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.'"

God created me with this desire to be a helper to my husband.  He instilled in me a desire to be a support to my lifelong partner.

I know, I know.  This may seem like a "duh!" statement to everyone else, but it was an amazing revelation to me.  For the first time, I accepted the fact that I had a godly desire for a husband, and that is okay! 

Now comes the hard part...how do I allow myself to have this desire and a) not make an idol out of it and b) not take it into my own hands to try and satisfy it in my own way and time?  Truthfully, I'm still learning that.  Trust me, I've prayed for revelations on this, and they just aren't coming. 

But, here's what I do know -- God's promises never fail.  The more I study His Word, the more I see that, throughout all of time, His plan has never been, nor will ever be, thwarted. And, I see the innumerable times He has taken care of His people, regardless of how far they go astray. 

I have regrets, and I still carry pain from past relationships, but I can say with confidence that God must have something really special in store for me if He was willing to allow pain in my life by taking away those relationships when I tried so hard to make them work.  It reminds me of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, "Hold Me Jesus," by Rich Mullins.  "I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want than take what You give that I need." 

So on February 14, 2004, I can either become bitter because I don't have a significant other, I can scramble to find SOMEONE to go on a date with just so I can feel worthy in the eyes of this world, or I can allow myself to have a desire for something God has not yet provided and take the opportunity to share with my Lord about my desires and struggles and be honest with Him.  For it is when we truly take off our masks before the Lord that He can begin to bless us in amazing ways.

For me, it won't be the first time tears have fallen into the scarred hands of my Saviour.  And He definitely will not be surprised when I come to Him with this...again.

 

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I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope.
Psalm 130:5